Reflection

Although April is coming to a close(April is PMDD Awareness Month) spreading awareness about PMDD, mental health, and women’s health is extremely important.

I have been suffering from PMDD(Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) since I was a teenager but was officially diagnosed by my doctor in August 2020.

So.. what exactly is PMDD?

PMDD is a severe form of PMS. It causes a range of emotional and physical symptoms every month during the week or two before your period. For almost a year now, I have been in therapy to help cope with my PMDD symptoms, anxiety, and depression.

I am thankful to have had a really good childhood and such great, supportive parents that helped me to become the person I am today, but while doing some self-reflection and healing, I realized that I have truly not loved myself enough in the past.

I tolerated way more than I should have(which is a regret I have to this day) but the mistakes we make help us to learn and grow into the person that we truly want to be.

Unfourtanetly, my dating history hasn’t been the best. I’ve settled for treatment that I shouldn’t have or let unworthy people outstay their welcome. Part of my healing journey is to realize the role that I have played in my own suffering as well so that I can try not to keep making those mistakes in the future.

I am truly not sure why I was the way I was. I think most of it was being young/ “in love.”

Everyone, please remember that love is not being hurt over and over, confusion,  mixed signals, sadness, and being in constant turmoil.

In doing my own research on the link between PMDD and trauma, this may have played a part in the worsening of my PMDD symptoms over the years.  One relationship I was in lasted way longer than it should’ve. During this time, a lot of mental and emotional abuse was going on.

The last few people I dated triggered a lot of those similar feelings as well as game-playing, ghosting, being blind-sided, and being taken advantage of. This has also made my willingness to open up and try again with someone new very hard.

I am someone that doesn’t like to give up easily and believes in love, but it’s very hard to be positive, trusting, and open-minded after being hurt and disappointed so many times. Dating in this generation is hard enough but then adding PMDD and trauma on top of it is sadly a recipe for disaster lol

Around this time last year, I was blindsided and ghosted by someone I was dating that I truly saw a future (everything was going so well) so it was very weird and confusing.

I am trying to show myself compassion and grace. I know that the way I have been feeling is totally normal, but when talking to someone new and similar feelings or triggers come up, it’s hard not to feel anxious and spiral.

One tip my therapist told me is to try to remember that they aren’t the same people from your past. This is a different situation, but at this point, I feel like my mind has lumped all of the trauma from past relationships together into one big messy pile lol

It is extremely hard to be this vulnerable and admit past mistakes I have made, but it has been very therapeutic to share my story through my book, with close friends and family, through therapy, and through this blog.

Currently, my mood and emotions have been all over the place. My mind can tend to spiral due to past experiences(especially from last year) that have been coming up.

I have been trying to remind myself that the healing journey is not linear and is messy.

You will experience ups and downs.

Through everything, I can truly say that I have become so much stronger, will NEVER settle again, and know what I want/don’t want.

I know what I am worth and what I deserve.

Hopefully, one day that’ll come to me but in the meantime, self-love, growth, and healing are what is most important to me.

This post was very hard to do but I felt it was necessary for myself and others suffering from PMDD while working on overcoming past trauma to know that healing is messy and not linear. If you or someone you know needs to hear this, please share!!
Special thank you to IAPMD for choosing me to be a PMD Awareness Champion again this year! 
Be sure to check out and support the wonderful work they are doing as well : https://iapmd.org/ 
Thank you always for the support warriors xoxo